Monday, July 28, 2008

Rules for When Your Friend is Divorcing

At this moment in time, I have at least three friends and/or relatives divorcing. I'm sure many of you are in the same boat. I'm sort of a pro at this now days.

When Jorge got his first divorce, I let him know what I thought of his wife Tess. I went on and on what a jerk she was. How I wasn't surprised that they didn't make it!

Later, when my friend Lena got a divorce, I told Jorge about it. Jorge said "One thing I know is don't tell her what a jerk her ex is. When you say that, you will make her feel as though she is the dumbest person in the world. She already feels stupid." Unfortunately, this advice was a day too late. I had to call Lena and apologize. This brings me to the first rule.

Rule #1. When a friend gets a divorce, say, "I'm so surprised." Even if you are not surprised at all. Most of the time, people don't want to be reminded that they picked someone that didn't appreciate them, that would cheat on them, or who would spend all their money. Sometimes, this advice is really hard to say. But, if you really want to help this person feel better say. "I'm so surprised."

Rule #2. This may seem obvious, and it should be. Don't talk about what a jerk the ex is in front of children. Not your children. Not their children. Not even in front of children you don't even know. Kids are great at picking up gossip. They're some of the best gossips I know. If you need to know something, just ask a kid. Most people don't realize that kids are listening to their every word. Also, kids will repeat anything you say about anyone. How many times have I heard what people think about me because they talked about it in front of my kids? Lots.

Rule #3. This rule also applies to kids. Be careful what you say to kids. Make sure they know that divorce is the last resort. With all the divorces between friends and family, my kids have come to the conclusion that divorce is a great thing for kids. They think that means you get double the Christmas presents and birthday presents. They don't understand the pain. They don't understand how kids have to put up with their moms and dads crying and being depressed. The other day Natalie actually asked Jason and me;

"So, mom and dad, if you guys get divorced where am I going to live? Where's Allison gonna live?"

"That's not going to happen." I mean really?

"So, like if you get a divorce who do you think you'll marry?

"Again, Natalie. We are not getting divorce."

"So, like what if you did?" She was daydreaming about all the possibilities.

"We are not getting divorced. Every morning we wake up and choose to love each other. The divorce is not happening."

Rule #4 When your friend is getting a divorce, try not to judge. Your friend may actually get drunk. Get over it. They had a designated driver. Your friend may start wearing tight clothes and bleach out her hair. Don't look at the camel toe and be patient. Your friend may start telling you about his sex life with his ex. Pretend to listen, but quietly say the word "Smithsonian" in your mind until your friend changes the subject.

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